women's lives, women's legacies
by rachael freed

In many cultures, women have been valued only for their impact on the men in their lives. But today we can reclaim our history, create an enduring document that expresses who we are, what we value, and how we wish to be remembered. And we can use an authentically feminine version of an ancient patriarchal tool to accomplish our goals.

What’s this patriarchal tool, you ask? It’s called an ethical will. Used since Biblical times, it’s a document, usually in the form of a letter, in which fathers impart ethical and moral instruction to their sons…and tell their sons where and how to bury and mourn them when they die. The underlying purpose was to provide continuity from generation to generation, and to build community.

My journey with the spiritual-ethical will has taken me from the study of the ethical will of tradition, [which intrigued me but from which I felt excluded] to a granddaughter-grandmother journal … and then into prison, recovery, hospice, women’s leadership, and interfaith settings. Everywhere I worked, I witnessed women dressed in the finery of uniqueness and diversity … working together in circles [trading the needles and thread of earlier sewing circles for pens and paper] … consciously becoming the links binding past and future generations … reclaiming feminine history and legacies … finding wholeness and holiness in being women … and writing their gifts for the future in the form of blessings.

But I need to go back … to share with you how I converted the ethical will into the spiritual-ethical will, a template for an authentic, compelling, and inviting document for women. I knew that we, like men, have histories to link to the future, life experiences to share, values and love to impart, and blessings to offer the generations to come. But being a woman (and a retired psychotherapist) I knew only too well how common it is for us to fear our power, to be unsure of our ability to express our truths, and to doubt that what we think and feel is worthy of being witnessed or preserved. So I knew some of the issues that needed to be addressed.

Where to begin? I began at the beginning, researching and deepening my understanding of the tradition. The prototype for the ethical will is at the end of the book of Genesis when Jacob, from his death bed, instructs his 12 sons (but not his only daughter, Dinah – you may know of her through Anita Diamant’s novel, The Red Tent) about their future … onto the end of the book of Exodus and Deuteronomy, where Moses imparts God’s instructions to the community of Israelites … then to the Gospel of Matthew where Jesus instructs his disciples in the Sermon on the Mount … then to the 11-13th centuries from which there are extant examples of fathers writing these instructions in the form of letters … to the 20th century revival of the tradition.

Staying true to the purposes … passing on the wisdom of history and life lessons to future generations to provide a link with the past, and ensure a future … knowing that women yearn too to belong, to be witnessed, to have our lives make a difference, to be remembered, and to bless and be blessed. Honoring those needs and our feminine essence, I called women to legacy circles to address those needs through documenting our unique spiritual-ethical wills.

So, what do we do in legacy circles? First we gather, as much as possible, the legacies of our feminine ancestors–beginning with recounting their names back as far as we can. Then we document our ancestral stories… reconnecting ourselves to a past that generations of immigrants before us neglected or negated to become American. We search and research, not the family tree, but the feminine strengths that have held families and communities together…on the prairies, the farms, and in the cities of this country…to give our feminine ancestors a place of respect and remembrance. And if that’s not possible, we connect to a feminine archetype, so that we all establish meaningful roots as a foundation to looking at who we are in the present. And as we connect intuitively with these women of history, we build relationships with them. As we offer them a voice, we receive their legacies, long buried in neglect and silence.

Then we examine who we are now in the light of the past … understanding and often appreciating for the first time our sexual and spiritual natures.

Finally we are ready, armed, (rather holding in our arms) with our rediscovered and recovered past and present, ready to extract our values and express our wisdom and love to future generations. But the centerpiece of the ethical will, ethical and moral instructions, felt too masculine! What was more authentic was to translate instructions into blessings. Blessings not only resonate authenticity about the nurturing/protecting nature of women, but are more readily received by future generations than instructions.

The circle and the spiritual-ethical will are not just for the elite … for the patriarch, or in our case the matriarch of a family, clan, or tribe …what I was striving to develop was a tool that all women could use. Paraphrasing Deuteronomy’s inclusion of the woodcutter and water carrier, I wanted women who make peanut butter sandwiches for lunchboxes and women who drive carpool, as well as the entrepreneur and the domestic worker, to find the spiritual-ethical will compelling. Values of nurturance and protection … of children, of the stories of our past, of the environment, of our culture, of our spiritual nature, and of continuity of our civilization for future generations are common to all of us.

Though the circle and the template are shared in common, each woman’s spiritual-ethical will will be one of a kind … for some a one page letter, a poem, a series of stories…for others a legacy includes drawings, photographs, other media or expression from stitchery to tree planting, from tales to recipes, to documenting the history of family heirlooms, even details explaining financial legacies, and all manner of combinations of the above and more. Each time I facilitate a circle, I am introduced to new ways born of the creativity of the circle’s women.

To those who ask, “Who will my legacy be for since I don’t have children?” I paraphrase Marianne Williamson, who wrote that we are all mothers of the world. No matter our circumstances or choices, we all have something to pass to the future…to extended family, to those with whom we work and play, to our faith communities, to the planet.

To those who say, “I’m just not a writer…I could never write…I’m afraid to write,” I respond: This writing is neither to be judged nor compared; it isn’t about who writes well or poorly; it’s about writing from our hearts to those we care for and about. In a legacy circle I facilitated at a women’s prison, one inmate emerged as an artful, and prolific writer. Her ability to articulate her beliefs, as well as her vivid expressions of feeling, touched us all. At first, the other women were reluctant to share what they’d written, especially those who had less education than she or whose primary language wasn’t English. They soon recognized, however, that each of them had something unique and valuable to express. In the difficult and depressing prison setting, the women felt fortunate to receive the gift of this woman’s writing, and they came to see it as no more valuable than their own. She was generous too, always a responsive and appreciative listener. A bond of trust and respect was formed, that allowed all of the women to write from their hearts.

To those who say, “I don’t need to do this, I tell my kids everything,” I say: Perhaps you do, but when they reach the age when they tell their stories to their kids, yours will be lost unless you document them.

To those who say, “I thought our ‘stuff’ has no value…you know, you can’t take it with you,” I say: It’s true we can’t take our stuff with us, but that doesn’t mean it has no value, if it has a story, a meaning, was a gift from a loved one or commemorates a special occasion or trip. If we don’t document that, the stuff will end up in the garage sale when we’re gone.

To those who say, “If this is about values and wisdom and love and is not a legal will, why do you address financial legacies?” I respond: Seven of every eight of us women will be alone at the end of our lives; women now control 54% of the resources in this country, and there are more than seven million women business owners. We have the responsibility, whether it’s one dollar or a million, once we’ve established how we will address our own needs and wants, to choose where and to whom our money will go after we’re gone …and to document why. How you handle money will be instructional and a blessing to future generations. For example, a woman without children established a financial legacy for her nieces and nephews, with the stipulation that they would give a percent of their annual gift to a charitable organization of their own choosing.

To those who ask, “Isn’t this controlling from the grave?” I say: If in this process we realize that our lives are precious, then so are our deaths. Each of us has preferences that we can impart that will model our appreciation of life and death as well as make our preferences known … along with preparing advanced health care directives …

To those who ask, “How does this differ from telling my story, doing a genealogical search, writing a memoir or an autobiography?” I respond: Your document may include elements of each or all of those, but our intention is different. We are discovering and voicing the legacies of history – gathering and expressing the lessons of our lives and experience, in order to heal disconnection and spiritual loneliness, alienation and rootlessness. Our purpose for writing is to use the material of our lives to make a contribution that will live after us, to gift our values, blessings, and love to future generations.

To those who ask, “Isn’t this self-serving?” I say: Yes, and more … Women have lots to learn about self-care—care beyond a bubble bath or a pedicure. Expressing our values builds courage and is spiritual self-care in the sense that it attunes us to our individual and communal values and gives us a means to act on those values for the sake of the future. I will conclude with a feminist retelling of a Talmudic legend: An old woman planting an olive tree was asked if she expected to benefit from its fruit or shade. She responded that she wasn’t planting for herself, but for her children and grandchildren. “I found fully grown trees in the world. As my ancestors planted for me, I plant for the generations to come.”

May all your instructions become blessings.

May your life and your spiritual-ethical will document be a blessing for future generations.

May Thanksgiving be a beginning of transforming your thanks giving into a legacy for those you love, your communities, and future generations.

Rachael Freed, licensed marriage and family therapist, and emerita clinical social worker, is the author of Women’s Lives, Women’s Legacies, Passing your Beliefs and Blessings to Future Generations (Creating your own spiritual-ethical will), Heartmates® A Guide for the Spouse and Family of the Heart Patient and The Heartmates® Journal: A Companion for Partners of People with Serious Illness. She guides groups of women in creating spiritual-ethical wills for themselves and their communities. She lives in Minneapolis, Minnesota, as do her seven grandchildren.
[ womenslegacies.com]