a day in two lives
by stephanie marks

The first birdsong of the morning twitters its way into my peaceful slumber. There’s movement and a shift in the bed next to me followed by footsteps on the stairs, and I know that soon the smell of coffee will welcome me to rise. I plop my glasses on my nose, make up the bed, and stop for a potty break. By the time I take my place on the futon, a steaming cup of organic decaf with just the right amount of cream is waiting for me. My heart flutters just a bit as I look across the room and meet the eyes of the one I so dearly love. So begins a day in the life of an American couple. It just so happens that this couple is two women – Deb and Steph.

One day someone asked us, “So what do you girls do at home?” While it might have been fun to weave elaborate tales of sexual fantasy and steamy stories that could be spoken only in deepest secrecy, the reply was, “Well, the usual stuff. We get up. We go to work. We have meals. Occasionally we watch a little TV. Then we go to bed. We get up the next day and do it again. What did you expect?” Sometimes the response is a bit of a blush or a stutter or a catch-all “Oh!” or “Really?” This leaves me wondering exactly what people think does go on behind our closed doors. Prepare to be underwhelmed.

Our home is probably very much like yours. There are meals to cook, dishes to wash, bills (and taxes) to pay, and a pile of laundry overflowing the basket in the closet. With our daily commitments to jobs and such, sometimes those nagging little tasks get put off until tomorrow, which may not come until a week from next Tuesday. No matter. We get to it eventually. I have a dear friend in Nashville who wants to know who is the wife and who is the husband in our home. In case you’ve ever wondered, wonder no more. We personally don’t assume roles. We simply do what we do. Most household tasks are shared equally. Laundry is usually mine since I am at home more than Deb. She washes the car. Other stuff just gets done.

There are family matters to attend to. Our aging parents are a cause for concern. Deb’s elderly father lives in Kentucky, and sometimes his calls leave us wondering, if we left at that moment would we arrive in time to see him before his last breath. Those talks are unnerving, but we soothe him with some loving words and encouragement. It’s amazing how much better he sounds by the end of the conversation. Then there’s my mom in Nashville. She’s had some health challenges over the past several years, so I’ve been back and forth for surgeries and such. The real blessing in all of this is how much my mom loves Deb and Deb’s dad loves me. They are totally supportive of our relationship. For this we are most grateful. It isn’t always this way with couples like us.

Children. Did I mention children? We have four between us – Deb’s son and my two sons and a daughter. Yes, they are from what we call another life, when each of us was doing the ‘normal’ thing of denying who we are and playing along with life the way we always heard it should be. Have you ever lived a lie? Pretended to be something you’re not, just so you would believe you’re ok? I can tell you firsthand that it is not a good way to live. We have the same concerns about our children as you. The big difference is Deb’s son no longer communicates with her. It is unfortunate that he is missing out on a relationship with his mother who loves him dearly, but his belief says our relationship is sinful and wrong. We do not try to change his mind. My children, on the other hand, have become like Deb’s family. We cheered my younger son’s high school graduation. Deb is his special confidant. We were an active part of my older son’s wedding festivities last year. How wonderful it felt to be treated just like everyone else! No separation. No differences made! And Deb comforted me last Christmas when my daughter and her boyfriend left Asheville to go to Colorado for the winter. We feel the joys and sorrows, excitement and disappointments of our children, of our families. Just like you.

Deb and I have a good life together. I thank God for what we share. There is much love and laughter and honest communication in our home. Each day we find ourselves a little more in love than we were the day before. If we never had to step foot outside our door, all would be sunshine and roses, but life goes on and it happens all around us. Here are some things that perhaps you do not know. If one of us is hospitalized due to illness or accident, the other of us can be barred from visitation. That’s not something a husband and wife have to consider. It’s a given.

We have no legal rights as a couple except for those established in our wills and powers of attorney. There is no tax credit for us even though our relationship is as solid and permanent as many marriages I know. Last fall I was a top candidate for a job I very much wanted. I mentioned having a partner. By the next phase of the interview process, I was no longer being considered. My skill set did not change nor did my ability to perform a job with excellence. So how was I different? Fortunately some local and state governments as well as private companies, and many individuals are waking up and recognizing domestic partnerships. There are some promising signs on the horizon.

Our world is in a state of violent unrest these days. Fearful people commit hateful acts in the name of God or Christ or Mohammed or whomever, and cheer one another on to justify their judgment. Until we take one step, then another, in the direction of love, nothing in this world will change. Peace will remain an illusion as long as we continue to view the world as us and them. As long as we continue to focus on our differences rather than our similarities, we will perpetuate the myth of separation, when in truth, we are all one regardless of gender, race, religion, ethnicity, socio-economic status, or sexual orientation. What the world needs now is love, sweet love. It cannot be legislated or forced. It begins when each of us looks deep inside our heart and chooses a new way of seeing; when we decide to put aside the labels and see one another as sisters and brothers. Period.

One of my favorite quotes comes from the Sufi mystic, Rumi: “Out beyond ideas of wrong doing and right doing there is a field. I’ll meet you there.” I believe the day is coming when shift will happen, and all of us will meet on the basis of our humanity – no wrong, no right. Maybe Deb and I will be seen and not judged for who we are—two people loving one another unconditionally, moving through life, doing our part to make the world a better place. We have no agenda. We have no one to convince. We have love. That is enough.

Stephanie Marks, a one-year resident of Asheville, is a writer, artist, and spiritual finder. Approaching her second half-century of living, the nextbig adventure is studying world religions and spirituality at The New Seminary.