friends with fear
by holly simms

“Come on, what are you afraid of? Chicken! Don’t be such a baby!”

There is a tendency to equate a sense of fear with shame or cowardice, yet in some instances a little fear can actually be a healthy thing. It is an astute observation that the lion will lie down with the lamb, but the lamb won’t get much sleep! Certainly, there are things in life such as tornadoes, catastrophic illnesses, and violent human events that are by their nature truly frightening. Spiritual literature recognizes that life can be daunting and encourages human beings to be of good courage. Some are able to live their lives relatively unconscious of their fears. While they may have passing moments of qualm, they do not take up permanent residence in the Land of Anxieties. Others are inordinately anxious and consumed by their fears.

In the Asheville choral group Womansong, we sing a light-hearted piece about the concept of protection amidst fearsome things—”people are happy when they know they are protected.” Children are particularly susceptible to fear, be it imagined or real and it is part of the parents’ job to protect their children from danger. When I was a young girl, I encountered many frightening situations. My family of origin was extremely unsafe and I had no protection from my abusers. I was a fearful child and I am often an anxious adult. I have made progress in dealing with my fears, but they are stubborn company! Like the proverbial ‘Man Who Came to Dinner,’ they have taken up residence in my living room.

Several years ago, my fears gathered themselves into the size of a powerful monster, which loomed within and made my life miserable. My inner dialog caused me to cower. “Be vigilant! Be on your guard! Life is dangerous!” I was practically afraid to breathe. One day, a friend made a startling proposition. “Why don’t you make friends with your fear?”

I was appalled. “Preposterous!” I replied.

She suggested that it was just possible that my perceived enemy, Nasty Old Fear Monster, had actually begun as a benevolent, protective voice that had looked out for me during childhood. Since I had experienced almost no adult protection as a small girl, I had managed to construct my own cautionary voice to counter the frightening things that were occurring. I listened to that voice as I matured. It helped to guide me along a prudent path. Now, however, that which had been a helpful friend was turning into an over-zealous dictator.

It was difficult to comprehend such a remarkable concept. Could my regarded enemy actually be my ally unleashed? I left that conversation on a windy, sunny afternoon with the words, “make friends with your fear” swirling in my head. It was an intriguing challenge. I began to construct a dialog with Nasty Old Fear Monster that went something like this:

Me: So, you’re trying to protect me, are you?

NOFM: Well, nobody did it when you were little! You needed me.

Me: I sure did. Life was really scary. A lot of very bad things were happening and I needed protection.

NOFM: Well, there you go! I’m still protecting you. Life is dangerous. Look at how bad things were back then. What makes you think they’re any better now?

Me: Things are better now. Those bad things aren’t happening to me anymore. The little girl is growing up and I don’t need quite as much protection as before. I’m smarter. I have more power. You can back off some.

NOFM: (Aghast) Back off?

Me: Yeah, I think that it’s safe enough right now. You and I can work together to protect me. You don’t have to do it all by yourself. I’m not kicking you out. I’m making your job easier. We can do it together.

NOFM: Hmmm . . . can you be trusted?

Me: Together, we can be trusted. Thank you for protecting all of those scary years. Thank you for still wanting to protect me. I believe we can work together from now on.

The shift did not happen overnight. Nasty Old Fear Monster and I grappled for control, but every time we struggled, I made an effort to speak lovingly and gently to my fearful soul. “Thank you for protecting me. Let’s face this anxiety together.” After a while, I realized that the monster was taking up much less room within.
Eventually, we came to a peaceful resolution. I had made friends with my fear.

One of the most dramatic paradigm shifts that resulted from this experience was the realization that being continually cautious does not guarantee a life free from trouble or heartache. One may build a fortress and live in the tower, but that doesn’t preclude adversity battering at the gates. Dwelling in a continuous state of defense with clenched fists does not necessarily deflect adversity, although it can intimidate the good stuff of life pretty well. Life is messy if you live it and living with the brakes on is neither useful nor healthy. While I’ll tap those brakes when necessary, I am entirely engaged in building the confidence necessary to move ahead toward joy. I desire to live with the intent of going forward in faith and love rather than fear. It is true that the beginning of my journey was difficult, but I want to enjoy the rest of the ride. The peace that I made with myself years ago enables me to do so. My friend’s bold suggestion that I make friends with my fear was an inspired gift, one that I will continually unwrap and enjoy throughout life’s journey.

Holly Simms is an award-winning author, seasoned performer, and artist. Her articles, commentaries, and poems have been published in the Charlotte Observer, the Asheville Citizen-Times, the Minneapolis Star Tribune, New Life Journal, Rapid River Magazine, and Community Connections. A veteran of the theatre, Ms. Simms has performed in several plays and worked with an improvisational theatre troupe. She sings with Womansong, and is writing her first novel.