funny, isn't it?
by jeanne charters

Dear reader: If you are easily offended, you might want to skip this column because I plan to deal with the very serious and somewhat salacious subject of... erectile dysfunction.

I’ve noticed a television commercial for a certain product that begins with “L”. I’m already real tired of seeing products advertised that do nothing but urge every hypochondriac in the viewing audience to run to the phone to call their doctor. There are pills for sleeping, waking up, losing weight, gaining weight, calming down, revving up, feeling focused, feeling happy, fixing your stomach, fixing your head, fixing your esophagus and fixing your intestines. I wonder what our foremothers might think if they could see this stuff advertised every day. I can almost hear them now. Here’s what I think mine would say.

For God’s sake, Jeanne, get a life and stop taking so damned many pills for ailments that never seemed to exist until television was invented.”
Well, anyway, back to the product that begins with “L”. It’s for E.D. otherwise known as erectile dysfunction. The TV spot shows a mighty happy woman sensuously wrapping herself around anything that stands still (I wouldn’t let her near my dog Poncho, that’s for sure) while the music plays and a voice in the background speaks subtly of the joys of fulfillment. That’s all quite lovely until they get into the disclaimer information which is spoken at the speed of light and reinforced with a font size that no one of an age to suffer erectile dysfunction could possibly read.

After tivo-ing it six times and putting my ear horn directly on the TV, I finally figured out what they’re telling us. “If an erection lasts for more than four hours, medical help should be obtained IMMEDIATELY!”

Four hours? Frankly, I’ve never heard of such a phenomenon in all the years since I first encountered men in any kind of physical sense. And believe you me, that’s been a few years.

I decided in the interests of science to do a survey of some of the women I know to get their take on this problem related to the male member. Here’s what they said: The last names are withheld to protect the not-so-innocent.
Myrtle Mae: Four Hours!! Well, one time Herman got his whatsis caught in his zipper and you’d a thought the world was ending, I tell you! That’s the most memorable thang I ever remember him doing with it. Four hours?…nah!
Delilah Sue: You gotta be kidding me. If he makes it for three minutes, that’s a world’s record as far as I can recall. Maybe you can tell me where I might meet one of those four-hour wonders.

A unt Martha: If he ever tried to get at me for four hours, I’d just have to kill him, that’s all. Reasonable is reasonable, after all. Four hours is just plain silly!
Round-heeled Ruby: Well, I haven’t met any of ‘em that last four hours; but if I do, I’ll probably hog tie him to my bed and not let him get away. Medical attention? I don’t think so. Why ruin a good thing?

Grandma Nell: I just hate those dang-fool companies who invented all that stuff. Now, Grandpa thinks he’s a spring chicken again and just keeps trying to chase me around the house drooling like a fool. He’s disgusting, he is. I have tried hiding that prescription he got, but he keeps finding it and calling me his little minx. He thinks I’m being playful with him when I take out my butcher knife and threaten to cut it off, but I’m getting mighty close to serious. I’m planning to call that doctor who gave him that stuff and give him a piece of my mind!

Now comes my personal disclaimer:
I realize that a man may feel that the aging process is unfair to him, fearing that he will no longer be called “stud” unless his partner is very, very kind. If that’s the case, have at it, brother, carefully, of course. Safe sex is a necessity, even for geezers.

I will admit that this is not a problem I live with, so perhaps I just don’t understand and might be urging him to visit his local doctor or Internet provider for help if it were. But I don’t think so. I’m old fashioned enough to believe that nature should take its course wherever possible. Sure, I take pills as needed to stay healthy; but I guess the question is when does the pill and its side effects become too scary to warrant taking a chance? Four hours is my answer!

Funny, isn’t it, though that our very own home-grown female politico has a husband who was the original poster boy for a similar product? I’ll give them this…he was really funny in the TV spot…nearly made me wish I had voted for him, and she certainly does smile a lot.

 

Jeanne Charters is a former V.P. of Marketing for Viacom Television. She started her own award-winning broadcast advertising agency in 1990. Jeanne lives in Fairview with her husband, Matt Restivo. [ charmkt@juno.com; 828-628-0023 ]