the last word
by sandi tomlin-sutker

Growing up, I always told people there were no men in my family—and I was only half joking. Of course there were men: grandfathers, uncles, a few boy cousins. But the women in my family were so strong, so dominant in my life—the men so absent, almost marginal, that I grew up without much experience with the male gender. I thought they were from another planet (and now I find out they are—from Mars!). Oh, my mother had a phrase—”be a man”—that she felt needed no detailed explanation, but it is only recently, so much later in my life, that I begin to understand what she meant. These men were loyal, strong, loving, focused on family and community: in Jewish tradition, a Mensch.

I have lived for 25 years with a man who embodies these traits. We married when my children were 5 and 7 years old. Unexperienced at parenting, he took on the daunting task of helping me raise them. We have struggled, we have been happy, we have drifted apart, we have grown back together—several times. And now he is truly coming into his own as the Grandpa of our daughter’s girl and boy. Yes, men are different, sometimes maddeningly so. But my husband, my son, my grandson, my godson, my nephews, are definitely not marginal people in my life.

In the words of Kevin Costner, “Real men are men who fall and fail and are flawed, but win out in the end because they’ve stayed true to their ideals and beliefs and commitments.” That constancy and loyalty are what, in the end, I love about Sam Sutker, the real man in my life.