know what you want to get what you want
by reeta bochner wolfsohn, cmsw

Those who have been required to memorize the world as it is will never create the world as it might be.

Judith Groch

Women often value their female relationships above most others, but we can’t neglect the fact that men play prominent roles in each of our lives.

Our fathers, grandfathers, uncles and brothers all helped to shape us into the women we are. Our husbands, boyfriends, lovers, sons, bosses, colleagues and neighbors—the men we invite or allow into our lives—also help us to define ourselves as women.

The men who had starring roles in our earlier lives often determine those who will play the leading men in our adult lives. When we were younger, if the men in our lives taught us that men could be trusted, that they would be there for us and that love was safe then those are the attitudes we will most likely seek from the men in our lives when we are older.

When we were younger, if the men in our lives treated us with respect, demonstrated appreciation for who we were, rather than for how we looked, taught us to prize our own uniqueness and to value our independence, then we are far more likely to continue to want to be treated that way. If they did not, we may be more tolerant of physical, emotional or financial abuse and more accepting of men who are emotionally unavailable and relationships that lack intimacy and commitment.

When men are disrespectful, abusive, indifferent and controlling, it is because we allow that behavior and on some level believe we deserve it. When they are attentive, compassionate, encouraging and considerate, it is because we feel we are worthy of being treated in that manner.

The men in our lives actualize our beliefs about our own value and substantiate our feelings of high or low self-esteem and strong or weak sense of self. Who they are, what they are like and how they treat us usually says as much about us as it does about them.

They may be tall, dark and handsome. They may be strong, reliable and trustworthy. They may be loving, supportive and caring. Or they may be none of those things. No matter their size, age, looks, or emotional health, each man in our lives has something to teach us, something to give to us and something they can take from us. What we choose to learn, what we choose to get and what we choose to give are all choices only we can make.

To make healthy choices, we must know what we want from our relationships. Love, respect, companionship, understanding, commitment, intimacy and sharing mean different things to different people. If your relationships aren’t meeting your expectations, you may need to rethink how you have interpreted and manifested love, respect, companionship, understanding, commitment, intimacy and sharing into your relationships in the past and what you can do differently to improve things in the future.

How would you describe a healthy relationship? How would it look and feel? How would you want to be treated by the person you shared it with? What would this person be like (appearance, behavior, interests, hobbies, education, career, etc.)? What are you willing to do to have those things? What aren’t you willing to do to have them?

Men aren’t women’s enemies nor are they their saviors. They have their own strengths and weaknesses, hopes and dreams and problems and disappointments to deal with. Relationships always take work. They go through cycles that are more fulfilling at certain times than at others but at all times it is necessary to know what you want from your relationships in order to get what you want from them.

The healthier you are individually the more you have to bring to every relationship. When you know the kind of person you want to spend your time or your life with, the way that you want to be treated and the expectations you have for the relationship, you are in a much better position to create a mutually fulfilling relationship that stands the test of time.