funny, isn't it?
by jeanne charters

A while back, I had one of those very bad/very good days. The bad part was that I had oral surgery. The periodontist cut a slab of tissue from the roof of my mouth and stitched it over my gums on the bottom front teeth. Seems the roots were being exposed and this was to prevent having my teeth fall out. Made sense to me.

I had anticipated the whole procedure being pretty minor and was a bit surprised at how lousy I felt. I was happy I had asked Matt to come along. I needed him to drive me home.

That was the bad part.

The good part was that the nurse told me I had to spend the entire afternoon on the couch taking pain pills. Oh, really? You mean I can’t go home and give the house a quick once-over, do some work on the computer, walk the dog and fix dinner? Oh shoot! Well, okay if you insist. Doctor’s orders, you know.

Finally, an excuse to lie around, eat soft foods (like the vanilla milkshake we picked up on the way home) and watch trash TV! The pain pills took care of the throbbing, and all I had to do was lie there flipping my brains out on the remote control.

This whole oral surgery ordeal was taking on a brand new face! Lying on my cushy couch with my bedroom pillow under my head and a soft blanket over my legs, I turned on the television set. It was 1PM. I found a program called The Dating Story in which a friend fixes up other friends with someone that the first friend thinks will be a perfect match! Fun for a pain pill afternoon and certainly nothing that will tax my brain beyond its slightly fuzzy capacity. The first couple, Dawn and Brad, was obviously a match made in heaven.

Dawn was a naturally blonde beauty with a sweet smile, a Masters Degree in Early Childhood Development and a wish to “meet a man who is honest and funny and who shares her high ethical standards.” Her friend, Carol, had arranged this date, just knowing that Dawn and Brad were made for each other and that she, Carol, would be named godmother to their first born child who would, of course, be perfect and beautiful.

It looked like a lay-up shot to me for “happily ever after”. Brad was tall, dark, handsome, kind, smart, noble and humble. He was a lawyer, but I decided not to hold that against him. He was 30 years old and looking for a loving woman who would complete the perfectly charted life he now enjoyed. That life included a luxury condominium in New York’s Soho section, a speedboat and a jazzy black BMW (with the license plate properly blurred.) Could it be that the producers suspected that if the date with Dawn did not work out, I might be looking to track Brad by his plate in order to fix him up with one of my daughters?

Dawn and Brad took a tour of the Museum of Modern Art oohing and aahing over the Water lily series, strolled hand in hand through Greenwich Village, smiling as both tossed dollars to the street musicians, and ended up in a perfect little Village restaurant where the piano tinkled out show tunes and the waiters were polite and attentive. It’s amazing what a television camera can do to human behavior. As the evening ended, Brad kissed Dawn chastely, put her in a cab and sent her back to her apartment.

At the end of the program, each of them spoke to the camera about their date. Dawn said, “I would rate this date as a ‘10’ on a scale of 1 to 10. I’m sure he’ll call me.” Brad said, “Dawn is a wonderful girl. But, I just didn’t feel any chemistry between us. I don’t think we’ll see each other again, except as friends.” The print on the screen at the end of the show said that, in fact, there was no second date. I don’t know who was more disappointed—Dawn, Carol, the matchmaker, or me!

Next, I watched a program called Blind Date. This was a sort of porn version of the first program. These people were Michael (the Muscle) and Irene (the implant girl). They lived in Philadelphia. Michael was a bouncer at a local pub and Irene danced topless at clubs and conventions. Neither wanted a relationship—just a good time with lots of sex. They proceeded to make that very clear to each other as they groped, licked and scorched each other with hot stares throughout a cab ride and a dinner of Cosmos and fondue. The conversation was not particularly intelligent, but it was interesting. It could have served as a travel guide for anyone interested in taking in the club or tattoo/piercing scene in Philly. I figure you never know when your navel might crave a good piercing. The program ended with their passionate kiss good night, a suggestive fade to black and print on the screen saying that they are now a “couple” and planned to live together for 6 weeks before marrying. Go figure!

I grieve for Dawn. Brad was a dog. For Michael and Irene, I give them 2 months tops. But what do I know? I am the daughter of a mother who went to her grave still believing that Sonny & Cher would eventually reconcile.

All I know for sure is that there are bright spots even to oral surgery; and my day on the couch researching daytime TV was one of them. The milkshake wasn’t bad either.
Funny, isn’t it? That was a really fun day. The bad part is that I now look and talk a lot like Marlon Brando in the Godfather series. My doctor assures me that the swelling will go down. If for some reason, it doesn’t, please be kind and pretend not to know me if you pass me in Ingles.

Jeanne Charters is a former V.P. of Marketing for Viacom Television. She started her own award-winning broadcast advertising agency in 1990. Jeanne lives in Fairview with her husband, Matt Restivo.
[ charmkt@juno.com; 828-628-0023 ]