funny, isn't it?
by jeanne charters

My recent column on feminism elicited some interesting e-mail comments from readers. Here’s one of them…

For me, the word feminism has become synonymous with lesbian. Not that that’s a terrible thing, but it makes it harder for me to say the word comfortably. My sex life is no one’s business. Recently, I’ve been thinking about the title Ms. and how those two letters have come to be associated with divorce. Somehow, with women our society seems always to be interested in our sex lives so we have Miss for “virgins” and “spinsters” and Mrs. for the legally married and now, Ms. for the divorced when Ms. was created to just mean I’m female. Anyway, maybe you’d be willing to write an article on why it is society wants to keep tabs on our sex lives. I think when Miss and Mrs. are finally discarded from every application and usage, feminism will have accomplished one of its primary goals.

Hmmm…would that really help? Maybe it’s a beginning. After all, there’s only one appellation for men and that’s Mr. Whether a guy is married, divorced, gay, straight, axe murderer, philanderer or totally sweet soul, he’s a Mr. Why not us?

What’s in a name? A whole lot, I think. Has the hair on the back of your neck ever risen when someone called you “honey”, “sweetie”, or “babe”? So, the problem goes way deeper than just the Ms./Mrs./Miss connection.

The reader asks, “why it is society wants to keep tabs on our sex lives”. Probably because society is terrified of the power women hold in their ability to tantalize and procreate. Throughout history, society and religion have both worked mighty hard to keep us in our places. “Look here, Missy, don’t you be getting all huffy with me.” Back in Salem, smart, talented women were burned when someone decided to call that talent “witchery”. Women today hit the glass ceiling because it’s easy to brand them as a bitch for attempting to fly so high. And yet, fly we must for the women who will follow us up the slippery slope of corporate ladders.

This weekend, I saw a performance of Lysistrata, adapted from the play by Aristophanes. Seems the ancient women of Greece were really fed up over a 20-year war being waged between Athens and Sparta. So the women from the two provinces banded together and decided to withhold sex until the male warriors called a truce. The play got a little dopey in the second half with all the men coming onstage with cucumber-sized erections poking out of their togas. At first, it was funny; but after a while, I began to wonder why these Greek guys didn’t ummm…take matters into their own hands.

Anyway, the women were successful and the men called a halt to battle. I began to wonder if it could work today. Maybe if we got a connection to Mrs. Bush, Mrs. Cheney and Mrs. Rumsfeld we could discuss Lysistrata’s idea with them. Probably not. Their guys don’t look particularly horny…just determined.

However, I want to share with you a ray of light. My granddaughter, Hannah, was visiting last week (along with my 4 daughters and 8 of Hannah’s cousins). Hannah is 11 years old and lives in Maine. She has a good friend named Henry. Recently, she spent the night at Henry’s house when her mom and dad were out of town. The next day, three boys at her school started making fun of her, saying, “Boy, it’s a good thing Henry has a big bed so you could sleep with him.”

This crack bothered Hannah…a lot! She went to her adviser at school and explained her discomfort with the boys’ remarks. The adviser wisely gave her three alternatives:

1. She could discuss it with a counselor and let it go.
2. She could confront the boys directly.
3. She could press harassment charges.

Hannah chose the second option, had the boys brought to the adviser’s office and told them exactly how uncomfortable their remarks had made her. They apologized to her and promised to watch their mouths in the future.

What a wonderful life lesson for both Hannah and the boys. Would I have had the guts to choose this option when I was 11 years old? Not a chance. I think when Hannah grows up, she will choose the title, Miss, Mrs. or Ms. that she feels comfortable with and won’t care what anyone else thinks about it.

So, we’re making progress... at least Hannah’s generation is.

Lets go back to the “name” issue again. I wonder why women should lose their maiden names? I use Jeanne Charters (which was my first husband’s name) for business and Jeanne Restivo (my present husband’s name) socially. It would have been much simpler had I stuck with Jeanne Hackett, my maiden name. Three of my four daughters changed their names upon marrying. I think they sometimes regret it.

When I mentioned all this to a dear friend, she said that she has never considered changing her name except in one of her four marriages. Now, don’t discount her for that. She is one of those honestly romantic people who truly believe in love. She also said that she doesn’t believe that any man worth his salt who was born in the late 20th Century would insist on his wife taking his name. Oh, really? Well, I happened to pick up a Cosmopolitan magazine yesterday. Their research indicates that 42% of men they interviewed would cancel an engagement if their future wife insisted on a hyphenated last name. And that’s Cosmo…where the demographics are surely 18-34!

That confounds me! Should we give up our identity when we marry? Do men really want that or would they just as soon have the woman they choose remain that woman…name and all? I’d love to hear from some male readers about this.

Funny, isn’t it? That old bromide “What’s in a name?” seems to be as relevant today as it was back in the days when Romeo was courting Juliet. Wonder if the Montagues and Capulets would have stayed so angry at each other if Romeo had just said, “Look, mom and dad, I’ll keep my old name and Juliet will keep her old name. Does this make you happy?” Could have saved a lot of grief, but the play wouldn’t have been nearly so popular. A great farce can never compare with a great tragedy.

Jeanne Charters is a former V.P. of Marketing for Viacom Television. She started her own award-winning broadcast advertising agency in 1990. Jeanne lives in Fairview with her husband, Matt Restivo.
[ charmkt@juno.com; 828-628-0023 ]