luelue
by dawn starks

Luellyn was my grandmother and she died last spring.

Of all my grandparents, Lue, or Nana as we called her, was the one I felt most close to, even though I did not see her often. I have always considered myself “good” at grieving…I am a pragmatist and choose to remember the dead as they were living. I refuse to go to funerals or viewings. Suppressing my sorrow, you say? I say not. Perhaps a therapist would label this behavior, but I prefer to think of it as simply my way of dealing with it.

Remembering is my method of choice. I have thought much about Nana in the ten months since she passed out of this world, and I was recently struck by how much I should have learned from her. I had always admired her happiness. She seemed to always have her chin up, even in the face of the greatest adversity, such as the cancer that gobbled up her health for the last 3 years of her life. However, my admiration really took the form of pity, or perhaps scoffing. My impression of Nana was that she was somewhat of a simpleton. She was certainly not stupid, but simple in her worldview and naïve to the hilt. I figured, hey, if in light of all these bad times she can maintain her sunny disposition, great. But I never fancied her a thinker. I assumed that she never had any “deep thoughts” about her world or the universe, and therefore her way of life must be inferior.

She did not have a career. In fact, one of her chief enjoyments in life was laying out Papa’s clothes every morning for him. She told me once after he died that this was one of the things she missed the most. How could a woman with nothing more fulfilling than making sure Papa did not mix his plaids and stripes in her life be happy? This was the lofty impression I am now embarrassed to admit I had.
In my most stress-filled days, I often question the wisdom of our fast-paced lifestyle. Is it really fulfilling? Is it the way we ought to be living? It is this past stressful year that has caused me to sit awhile and wonder about whether Nana had it right all along.

Lue was obviously a product of the depression era and raised her kids in the 1950s. From all evidence, she ran her household more like Vivi in the Ya-Ya Sisterhood than like June Cleaver. She and Bill, my Papa, were very social people. They loved their friends and entertaining even more than they loved their family, if you believe my mother. In 1968 my mother got “knocked up” while unmarried and in college. Now, my parents had planned to marry after college, but this was quite the shock to all parties, and in particular, to Lue and Bill. In fact, this news was so shocking and humiliating, Lue would not even say the word “pregnant” to her friends. The expression was whispered, “Sandi is P.G.” After a shotgun wedding, it was made clear that Lue and Bill thought that my parents’ marriage would not last six months.

Well it did last, and fantastically well. I bring up this story as an example of the transformation my Nana experienced during her time in this world. Though I used to hear this story and think what small-minded, unenlightened people my grandparents were, I realize that times changed and so did they. They actually became very supportive of my mother and father, and never doubted them again. I grew up knowing this story, as it was a source of great pride for my mother. So it was the knowledge of this past prudish behavior that allowed me to personally witness the day that my Nana “arrived” in the present and became a “hip” grandmother.

We were shopping at Sam’s Club and stocking up on things before my parents took me back to college. Nana was visiting and accompanied us on this shopping extravaganza. We were in the personal products aisle, and I had wandered a bit ahead. Suddenly I hear my Nana’s shrill voice, as did everyone within three aisles. She yelled, “DAWNIE!! Do you NEED some of THESE????” while holding a jumbo box of Trojans above her head and laughing like a maniac. Of course I wanted to die, but more importantly, I actually realized at that very instant that she was one cool chick.

Two years ago, during her illness, I happened to be reading Gone With the Wind for the very first time. I remember feeling so utterly frustrated with Scarlett O’Hara. How could she let these men push her around? How could she be so clueless? And yet Scarlett changed over the years. She hardened. She became more practical. But she never lost her whimsical sense of “anything is possible” and more importantly, she refused to dwell on anything negative. I realized this past year what a good analogy Scarlett is for Nana. Nana refused to believe that her cancer would kill her. She insisted that she would beat it, and she actually did. On a Monday she found out she was in remission. On Wednesday she dropped dead of a massive stroke.

And so I also have grown up, and I realize now that people change. Nana changed over the years, abandoning the old philosophies that had ruled her early years and adopting a fresher, more accepting worldview. Just because she was not an intellectual did not mean she had no intellect. Just because she did not spend hours navel-gazing did not mean that she did not reflect on her life. The fact of the matter is that she CHOSE to not dwell on the bad things. She CHOSE to be happy and upbeat, no matter what adversity befell her. And there is nothing “simple” about that. In fact, it is quite brilliant.

Dawn G. Starks is a Certified Financial Planner® practitioner in Asheville, NC. She runs her own financial planning firm, Starks Financial Group, Inc. You can reach her by phone 828-285-8777 or email dawn@starksfinancial.com with questions or comments.